Alta’s Entry: The last time I saw/watched my dad in his physical state was in 1999, before he passed. Since then, I haven’t watched a video of him in such a state. When I watched this video 2 weeks ago, it was like this was taken just yesterday. The memories came flooding through my soul so fresh. All the sorrow I felt in my heart came gushing out in tears. At that point, I quickly realized there was one major difference in seeing him in this physical state now. I am 35yrs old. I am an adult. I was only 18 in that video. I now have a better understanding. I also have some sort of understanding of the pathophysiology of what damage the cyanide had on his body since I am in nursing school. I didn’t know this back then. Back then, I just saw my dad struggling. It hurts in a different aspect now. I think that is why I could only get through the first 3 minutes and had to stop watching it. It took me 2 weeks to watch it again in it’s entirety. I guess, the initial viewing was a “shock” and once I acknowledged and expressed these emotions, it was ok. It’s funny how when you are right in the “situation” or “in the moment” you go into “auto pilot”, you just do what you have to do without thought and when everything is said and done, you then “feel” the real emotions. The importance of acknowledging, accepting,expressing and allowing yourself to ‘feel” emotions through out your life, I feel, is the utmost importance when going through traumatic times.
Alta’s Entry Regarding News Footage